The Female Vine

Stereotypes are like the DNA marker of our human idiocy. This has been the case ever since man found the courage to stand up to his mother goddess, the great shaman priestess, threatening to plant his pointed lance somewhere other than in the thorax of a poor mammoth on the edge of extinction. Freeing himself from the maternal embrace, the dandy of days gone by soon understood that he could now, once he emerged from his cave, organize the world to suit him without asking anyone’s permission. After several millennia of pathetically observing massacres, clinical injustice, intergalactic corruption, predatory paedophiles, political irresponsibility, and even gang rapes, let’s acknowledge it once and for all: man, in the testicular sense of the word, lacks the moral capacity to run this planet which, sooner or later, will send us one of its exterminating meteors to finally settle the accounts.

Before throwing the first stone ourselves at the great sinner, she who, with her lascivious murmurings, must have led man to eat the forbidden fruit, let us just dream, in a sort of improbable uchronia, in a total role reversal, of seeing our feminine double steering the planet ship from the beginning and imagine this world as being “100% taurine-free”, perhaps more human, friendly, passable, with a few historical cat-fights, of course, but relatively more gentle, and differences being settled without sticking a bayonet anywhere other than in the belly of a wild animal threatening the pack of children playing at the war of the buttons or being obliged to put up with never-ending willy-waving contests to scientifically determine, after three genocides and two mass gassings, who has the biggest genital organ.

This idea of returning fully to the maternal breast may be politically possible in 1000 years, perhaps, but when that day comes… will woman still be a “woman”? or will she look to the nearest chromosome like homo-force, homo-erectilus, homo-pain-in-the-neck, her skull as round and full as a flat earth, hormone-pumped biceps, and body hair short and sparse over a torso like a fleshy concrete slab, because of having to ape her genetic double to finally earn her place in this world designed entirely “for us men”.

After having ravaged their planet, killed off all the animals, and given preference to plastic plants because real ones attract bees and wasps, there would be nothing worse for the human race than only to be able to contemplate, before the apocalypse of the final days, a Big-Jim double, just as cynical, idiotic, and murderous, with, as a bonus, a crotch in semi-soft latex and a fake voice imitating a male in rut.

Powered by

Previous articleThe Don of Wine
Next articleThe Machine World

Related Post

Robert M Parker Jr was a dominant force in the world of wine criticism in the US for over a quarter of a century. He saw a brilliant future in the scarlet robe of a great 1982 Bordeaux, but...

Crisis and Morale

The wine-producing world is in crisis... that’s what all the professionals in the sector are saying and predicting – well, maybe not quite all. There are still people whose morale cannot be dented, who are fully aware of the...
That French wine is still considered among the best in the world is mainly thanks to views from abroad, which keep the holy oenological liturgy going. It is said that Chileans, South Africans, Australians, Californians, and even the Chinese...

The Talking Vine

Every year, the French vine speaks to us. It tells us of rather sorrowful things, that it is dying of thirst and heat, but never mind that; it is just a bit of twisted brown wood that can’t even...
“We have reached a pivotal moment. Climate change is here, we can see it, we are experiencing it”, Jérôme Despey, secretary general of the FNSEA, the main agricultural union, told the AFP. In an environment in crisis and greatly...

Share this article

Recent posts

Gigabeer: Beer from Tesla

Elon Musk’s latest move is hardly a big surprise. After having brought “Teslaquila” (a tequila in a futuristic container) to the market, the South African billionaire giant is expanding the “Tesla” range on the...

Vesper: The “Official” Cocktail of James Bond

Aficionados of the iconic saga will be sure to recognize the famous “Vesper” cocktail, created specially by Ian Flemming in his book Casino Royale, the first written outing for the very special and very...

Adulterated Alcohol in Russia: 34 Dead

Thirty-four dead. That’s the latest macabre toll from alcohol poisoning from a locally produced spirit in the Orenburg region of Russia. Since the tragedy in Irkutsk, in Siberia, where around 50 people died after...

Popular categories


Why is champagne still synonymous with celebration? This isn’t the first time someone has wondered what makes the champagne ritual such a global phenomenon....

The Chinese “Starbucks” Making Waves for the Original

We’re all familiar with the Chinese propensity to imitate everything ... and we’re far from unaware that the Chinese market is on its way...

Women, Skol Offers You an Apology!

We’ve probably all listened to a lewd joke with a polite fixed grin. The age-old habit of mocking those weaker than oneself, foreigners, minorities,...


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Recent comments